Kind of a stupid title, I know. Sounds like I want to brag with my great reading skills, haha.
I'm not sure whether that's exactly the thing someone would expect to read on a book/media blog, but...apparently it's Ace Week/Asexual Awareness Week right now. And since I'm sort of part of that spectrum too, I'd like to write down some mostly incoherent thoughts regarding my own experiences with sexuality/romance in connection with fictional stories. (I say sort of because I haven't entirely figured out where I actually stand - I thought of myself as straight for most of my life and I'm still in the process of finding out the actual truth. Then again, finding yourself is a never-ending process anyway, isn't it?)
Er, well. Where to start? Well, I was never overly fond of love stories. Sure, there are a huge part of every kind of media (and I don't mind the occasional romance side-plot), but I rarely ever felt the need to read a story mostly about two people falling in love. Or rather, never. That doesn't mean I haven't tried. But even though I did enjoy some romance-themed books, it was never the actual love thing which intrigued me. I mainly read some light historical romances and it was always either the setting or the humour that made them feel like a worthwhile read. Okay, seeing how the characters slowly fall in love can be intriguing, but I don't really care about what happens afterwards!
Oddly enough, I always kind of enjoyed watching fanservice-heavy anime and I also didn't shy away from erotic content in novels. Though once again, it was mostly for different reasons than one would expect. The fanservice anime were usually pretty funny and I sort of liked the aesthetics of busty anime girls - in an entirely non-sexual context, though. I did watch and read a fair share of e.g. boys/girls love, ecchi and sometimes even hentai stuff back in the say, I have to admit that. And the novels...I mostly enjoyed either the historical setting, or in some other cases, the urban fantasy part of it. Though I have almost entirely grown out of reading those, because they are mostly supposed to be read for the love and sex part. And well, if I don't care about that, I might as well look elsewhere for my occasional fix of vampire and werewolf stories, I guess?
I'm still writing fanfiction about some my favourite ships though. I didn't go into truly erotic territory yet, but I'm determined to at least try at some point. But that's ultimately just a fantasy too, like the content I'm consuming. So...I'm fine with that. It's not like I mind erotic content, it's just that it doesn't really give me what it might give to other people? And having a 'normal' relationship (including sex and everything) is something I can't really imagine for myself, so...it feels like yet another trope from a fictional story for me. And so it's not something special, not something I can or want to connect to on a deeper emotional level. It's basically really just one of many tropes, and not necessarily my most favourite one.
Another thing that made me realise that I might perceive romance in a different way than others was when I read Persuasion by Jane Austen. And contrary to apparently 95% of all other readers, I absolutely didn't find the story romantic or sweet in any way. When someone doesn't like the book, they are usually told that they aren't old enough yet to truly understand the love story between the heroine and her returning lover. Well, I was 28 when I read the book - would that be old enough for a proper understanding? I don't know. And maybe it just wasn't my kind of book, but I just absolutely couldn't see what was so romantic about a young woman not taking a chance to flee from her life of suppression. Sure, she got her second chance, but I didn't feel with the couple at all. Why would I care about them finally getting together if their love was so shallow in the first place? I'm not sure whether anyone will even read this post, but a thing I am sure about is that most of the reader probably have a deeper understanding of the book. But lacking that, I can just judge from how I felt about it. Or maybe rather that I didn't feel anything about it. So, what is it now: am I really just too immature to get their love? Or is there just a difference in perception and that's the reason why I am unable to connect to the characters on an emotional level? Don't get me wrong, I get why the story would appeal to many people on a logical level, but I still can't feel that appeal myself. (Oh, and I think I should add that I read Northanger Abbey and half of Sense and Sensibility and enjoyed both, especially the former one. So it's not that I dislike Jane Austen's stories in general.)
Well. So far, so good. It took me years until I - it was probably on social media - first heard about asexual and aromantic people. When I read more and more about it, I started to think about how all of this actually sounded a lot like my own experience. Romance never played a big part in my life. Even back during my school days I never got why everyone seemed to be forever after finding their next boyfriend/girlfriend after a break up. And I still don't get it until now. But maybe I wasn't just a late bloomer, or maybe I had not written off ever having a relationship just because I'm unattractive? By now I'm pretty sure that I don't feel much sexual attraction - if any at all. Which doesn't mean that I don't think of some people as really beautiful, or that I'm not attracted to them in any way. It does lack the sexual context though.
You know what does sum up my relationship with attraction really well, actually? It's probably a pretty bad comparison, but I mean this here:
The fact that Nero from Fate/Extra is one of my favourite characters ever makes this even better, but even putting that aside the part about loving beautiful people just speaks to me. I'm aware it is most likely meant in a sexual context here as Nero is usually considered bisexual (both the character and also the historical figure, as far as I know), but I feel this line in an entirely non-sexual way. I felt physical/aesthetic and also emotional attraction to many people of various genders before. I just don't want to kiss or have sex with them, or really anything in that direction. I also sometimes feel romantic attraction, but that happens exclusively towards men.
I'm still not entirely sure about anything. I don't know if I just don't care about relationships and sex and all that as much as any other random person does, or if I'm entirely unable to ever understand 'normal' relationships. I'm also aware that every kind of person of any gender, sexuality and/or romantic orientation might also dislike romance in fiction. And I'm actually curious what their reasons would look like! But I for one think that for me personally it is about the asexuality thing. Like I said, love, sex and relationship aren't something I relate with very much, so...it's not something I actively look for in a story. Even if I also don't mind content like that!
Having said all that, I personally don't even look for representation of ace/aro people and relationships in the media. I heard that there are some (most likely YA) books with such protagonists, but it usually isn't a reason big enough for me to read those books. (Having said that, I recently heard that a manga with an ace protagonist got announced for an English release and I am curious about this one!) But even if I might not be reading them, I still think it is a good thing that such books exist. Being represented in the media and in fictional stories is a good way to make people feel valid, which is always an important thing. I mean, it's a fact that we are living in an amatonormative society which makes it hard for anyone to be confident about not wanting a romantic relationship, for example. That's not even just a problem for ace/aro people, but they are probably more likely to be confronted with the issue. So there's still a lot of work to do and normalising any kind of platonic and non-romantic relationships would be a really important step to get there.
And to get a bit too needlessly personal in the end of this rant: Maybe all of this sounded like I'm totally fine, but... Frankly, I'm not happy with how things are. Like, I guess there's no way around the feeling that I'm just not 'normal' in that aspect, so I might as well own up to it and accept the facts, but...it's quite annoying, sitting between the chairs like that. Straight people usually seem to tell ace people that they 'just didn't find the right person yet', and people in LGBT spaces often aren't too happy about aces (especially heteroromantic ones) invading those spaces, as they are basically seen as straight people without a sex drive. I absolutely get why they might feel uncomfortable, but I still think bonding over shared experiences of having to face prejudices etc should be possible? Well, I might be wrong. Anyway, all of this can be quite discouraging. I personally had to deal with the feeling of just 'not being enough' and not being able to fulfill everyone's expectations through my entire life, and me being unable to have a normal relationship is just another part of it. So no, I'm not fine at all, actually. I basically had someone tell me that I didn't need to be surprised about people staying away from me if I wasn't open for a normal relationship. I had people tell me that I'm unable to love and thus weird, and stuff like that. I still don't think there is something wrong with being asexual (and/or aromantic), and I sincerely hope that other people can embrace that identity and maybe even be proud of who they are! As of yet I just can't do the same, and who knows if I ever will. I couldn't say. (Well, now I have ended that post on a pretty depressing note without even intending to do so. But yeah, like I said, it was mostly a rant anyway. Sorry.)
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